Graduation
by ctoan
Summary: With graduation and his 18th birthday approaching, can the Cohens be sure that Ryan will stick around? FINAL CHAPTER ADDED
1. Part 1

Disclaimer: I own nothing. They all belong to Josh.

* * *

Ryan was in calculus when the school secretary broke into the room. "Ms. Dover, will you send Ryan Atwood to Dr Kim's office, please?"  
  
Ryan's stomach dropped. What was this about? He hadn't been in trouble with Dr Kim in over a year – not since Oliver. He wracked his brain to think of why Dr Kim would want to see him.  
  
"Mr. Atwood, you might as well take your books with you, the period is almost over."  
  
Ryan slowly gathered his things and headed for Dr Kim's office. He was dreading this. Dr Kim had never taken to him, but Ryan had done his best to stay out of her way in his 2 years at Harbor. Now she couldn't be avoided. When he arrived at the office, the secretary sent him straight in.  
  
Dr Kim was smiling at him. Odd. She motioned to the comfortable upholstered chairs. "Have a seat, Ryan."  
  
Ryan looked at the chairs, then at Dr Kim. He'd never been invited to sit on the soft chairs in Dr Kim's office. Any other time he'd been here, he was given a hard, straight-backed chair. Ryan didn't know what to expect, and he hated not knowing what to expect. He sat down and eyed Dr Kim warily.  
  
"You're probably wondering why you're here today," Dr Kim began. "Don't worry; you're not in trouble. On the contrary. As you know, graduation is approaching. Every year at graduation, two of our top students give speeches during the ceremony. The valedictorian is voted on by the students from an approved list. But the faculty selects the salutatorian. We look for a student who has excelled at Harbor, someone who other students can look to as an example."  
  
Ryan was starting to get nervous. He wasn't sure he liked where this conversation was going.  
  
"Yesterday, the faculty met to decide on the salutatorian," Dr Kim continued. "I'll admit that usually this meeting isn't pretty. Every teacher has someone they feel would be best and we are usually debating for hours before we come to an agreement. This year, you were the student chosen by an overwhelming number of the teachers. I think it was the quickest meeting we've ever had." Dr Kim was absolutely beaming with pride. And then Ryan spoke.  
  
"Do I have to do it?" he asked quietly. Ryan could think of no reason why he would want to get up in front of his Harbor mates and their families to give a speech, or why they would want to hear what he has to say. But he didn't know if he could refuse Dr Kim, either.  
  
Dr Kim was taken aback. She'd never had a student not jump at the chance. "Well, no, Ryan, you don't have to. But it is a great honour. Can I ask you why you wouldn't want to be the Harbor Salutatorian?"  
  
Ryan thought about it for a few moments before answering Dr Kim. He didn't want to tell her that even after two years in Newport he still felt like he didn't belong and had no right to take a spot away from an actual Newport trustfunder. That he spent his whole life trying not to be noticed and giving a speech kind of defeated the purpose. "Dr Kim, I'm just not someone who enjoys talking in front of people. It's just not my thing."  
  
Dr Kim considered this. "OK, Ryan. I can't force you. But I'm not going to take an answer from you yet – this is a great opportunity. I'd like you to think about it, talk it over with the Cohens. I'll give you a couple of days before you make a decision. Will you promise me you'll at least consider it?"  
  
Ryan agreed to appease Dr Kim. He had no plans to think about it and he certainly had no plans to tell the Cohens about this. He knew what their reaction would be. If Sandy and Kirsten knew, they'd think it was the greatest thing and try to talk him into it. They'd be disappointed that he didn't want to do it, and he hated disappointing them. It was easier this way. He'd just leave it for a couple of days and then tell Dr Kim no.

* * *

Ryan came home from school to find Kirsten sorting through the mail in the kitchen.  
  
"Oh, Ryan, there's a letter here for you from your mom," Kirsten told him.  
  
Ryan hesitated. He usually tried to get to the mail first so they wouldn't know when Dawn wrote him.  
  
"You know, I'm glad you two have kept in contact. She's a part of who you are – it's not something that just goes away because you've been here."  
  
Ryan nodded imperceptively, took the letter and headed to the pool house. Damn, he thought, this is not what I needed today. Of all days for a Dawn letter to come...  
  
Ryan threw his books on his desk and sat on his bed, leaning back against the headboard. He held the envelope in his hand and just stared at it for the longest time. Dawn's letters usually came in one of two forms. The first was where she'd go on and on about how much she missed him and how lonely it was without him. How wrong she was to kick him out and abandon him, and to leave him with the Cohens. How if only he'd come back to her, things would be different and they could be happy together. That he was all she really had left in the world and to have him live with strangers just wasn't right.  
  
The other type of letter Dawn sent wasn't so melancholy. The second type was filled with hate. She'd tell him that he was scum and trash and that no matter how long he lived in Newport with the Cohens, he would never be good enough for them. They'd never really accept him as one of their own. How he better not get too high and mighty, living the good life, because he'd end up back in Chino eventually. He was an Atwood, and Atwoods couldn't improve their lot in life. Sure, things would be good for a while, but eventually everything would come crashing back down. He'd see she was right. And when the Cohens decided they were done with their experiment and threw him out, he'd better not come crawling back to Dawn. She was done with the Atwoods too.  
  
Ryan didn't even know why he bothered opening the letters from Dawn. Nothing good ever came of it. But he always hoped that this letter would be different. In this one, Dawn would comment on the things he told her in his last letter, that she was proud of him and of how well he was doing. That she missed him but she was glad he was happy with the Cohens. That him being happy was important to her.  
  
Look at me, Ryan thought to himself. Almost eighteen years old, and still expecting fairy tales and happy endings.  
  
He ripped open the envelope and the words practically jumped off the page. "FUCKING TRASH" was written in big letters about halfway down the page. Dawn was practically screaming at him through this letter. Ryan decided he didn't really need to read much more. He put it on his desk, under his books where he wouldn't see it.

* * *

At dinner that night Ryan was abnormally quiet. First the meeting with Dr Kim and then the letter from his mom – it was just too much to think about. He turned his attention to the story Seth was telling.  
  
"...but then Dr Kim walked by just as I was about to break into Summer's locker, thwarting my attempts at romanticism. OK, maybe a dead frog isn't that romantic, but it would have been funny, man. And it would have made Summer laugh. Or she would have killed me. One of the two. Speaking of Dr Kim," Seth turned to look at Ryan, "I hear you were in her office today. What sort of trouble are you in now, my friend?"  
  
Ryan looked like a deer caught in the headlights. "No trouble," he answered, looking quickly back and forth between Sandy and Kirsten. "I swear, it was nothing. Just a misunderstanding." He glared at Seth.  
  
"What sort of misunderstanding?" Kirsten asked. "Is everything all right?"  
  
"Yeah, no, it's fine," Ryan answered, scrambling to come up with a reason he could have been in Dr Kim's office. "She just wanted to double check my credits from Chino Hills, make sure I had all the courses I needed to graduate."  
  
"She's not telling you that you can't graduate now, is she?" Sandy demanded. "I thought this was all settled when you transferred in last year. Maybe I should call her..."  
  
"No," Ryan said, a little too quickly. "I mean, we straightened it out today, there's no problem. Really. Everything's fine."  
  
"Well, if you're sure..." Sandy continued.  
  
"Yeah, I'm sure. It's nothing to worry about." Ryan glanced at Kirsten and Sandy. They seemed satisfied. He hoped they believed him.

* * *

After supper, Seth went up to his room to do his homework and Ryan stayed in the den to play some video games. When Seth came back about half an hour later, Ryan just glared at him.  
  
"What's the look of gloom for? Are you mad at me?" Seth asked.  
  
"What's up with you telling your parents about Dr Kim? How did you find out, anyway?" Ryan demanded.  
  
"Hey, man, I thought you said it was nothing. And don't you know I have my finger on the pulse of the school. I'm hooked in to the grapevine. I've got my ear to the ground..."  
  
Ryan was glaring again.  
  
"Okay. Summer saw you walking out of the office and wondered what was up. I did too, so I asked. What's the big deal?"  
  
Ryan realized he was making too big a deal out of it and backtracked. "Sorry, Seth. You just took me by surprise and I didn't want to worry your parents. You're right, it wasn't a big deal."  
  
"Good. Now, the reason I'm here. Did you bring your Economics book home?"  
  
"Of course I did, Seth. We've got Economics homework. Didn't you bring yours?"  
  
"I forgot it. And besides, it's so big and heavy and there's no real point in both of us carrying such a heavy book back and forth..."  
  
Ryan waved him off. "Go ahead. I finished Economics already. It's on my desk. Help yourself."  
  
Ryan went back to playing video games and didn't notice when Seth come back with book. 

TBC


	2. Part 2

The next day after school, Kirsten was working in the kitchen when Seth found her.  
  
"Mom, can I talk to you about something?" Seth asked.  
  
"Sure, Seth. Is everything okay?"  
  
"I don't know," Seth responded truthfully. "Has Ryan ever talked to you about his mother, or her letters?"  
  
"No, honey. I think Ryan likes to keep his two lives separate. Sometimes I think Ryan feels guilty about talking with his mother, as if he can't live with us and still love her too. Why do you ask?"  
  
"Well, I was in the pool house yesterday borrowing Ryan's Economics book. When I picked it up, Dawn's letter fell on the floor."  
  
"Oh, Seth, you didn't read his letter, did you?" Kirsten chided. "That's Ryan's personal property. If he wanted you to see it, he'd show you."  
  
"I know, Mom. I didn't mean to. But when I picked it up, some words jumped out at me and I couldn't help myself. Mom, she was really mean to him."  
  
"What do you mean, 'mean to him'?"  
  
"She was calling him names, swearing at him. Something about graduating from a fancy private school doesn't mean he's part of Newport. That he'll always be a screw up and his free ride with us won't last much longer. She said..." Seth's voice broke, "...she said we didn't really care about him, we were just making ourselves feel good by helping the poor kid from Chino."  
  
The colour drained from Kirsten's face. Suddenly, Ryan's hesitation about the letter and trying to keep his letters a secret took on a whole new meaning.  
  
"Mom, he wouldn't believe her, would he? He knows we love him, right? That he's part of our family?"  
  
"I don't know, Seth. God, I hope so."  
  
"Should I say anything to him?" Seth wanted to know.  
  
"No. Not yet, anyway. Let me think about it and talk to your father first. Okay?"  
  
Seth nodded. He looked like he was about to cry. Kirsten gave him a hug and tried to reassure him. Now if only Sandy would get home to reassure her.

* * *

It was after supper before Sandy got home from work that night. Kirsten was curled up in their bedroom, trying to read but she just couldn't concentrate. She needed to talk to Sandy about what Seth had told her.  
  
But Sandy was worked up about something else, first. "I called Dr Kim today. I was ready to ream her out about worrying Ryan about graduating. It turns out he lied to us. He sat there and lied to us last night. For the life of me, I can't figure out why he wouldn't tell us the truth." Kirsten was tired and upset and couldn't understand what Sandy was talking about. "What are you saying, Sandy? What did Dr Kim want?"  
  
Sandy was exasperated. "She said he was nominated by the faculty to give the Salutatorian speech at graduation."  
  
"But that's wonderful, Sandy. Why wouldn't he tell us?"  
  
"Because he said no to Dr Kim. He said he didn't want to do it. Dr Kim gave him the weekend to think about it and talk it over with us. But he had no intention of talking to us."  
  
"I'm starting to think that he doesn't talk to us about anything," Kirsten muttered, more to herself than to Sandy.  
  
"What's that supposed to mean, Kirsten?"  
  
Kirsten explained the letter from Dawn that Seth saw.  
  
"Sandy, these are two important things that he should be telling us about. He knows his mother shouldn't be talking to him like that, right? God, Sandy, he's lived with us for almost two years and I'm realizing he's still a stranger. I thought he was proud of how well he was doing at Harbor – why would he say no?"  
  
"Well, Dr Kim says Ryan said he doesn't like talking in front of people."  
  
"That's bullshit," Kirsten interrupted.  
  
"Kirsten!" Sandy was surprised at her intensity.  
  
"I'm sorry, Sandy, but he's had no problems with his presentations. His teachers always say he's articulate and well thought out – they obviously thought he could do it. Seth gets more worked up over presentations than Ryan. No, I don't believe that's why he turned down Dr Kim. There's more to it."  
  
"Funny. That's what Dr Kim said. I've never known you two to agree about anything," Sandy teased.  
  
Kirsten wrapped herself in Sandy's arms.  
  
"It's not funny, Sandy. What if he leaves when he turns eighteen and we never see him again?"  
  
"Why would you think that? He's got a scholarship to USC, he and Seth are talking about getting an apartment together, Caleb offered him a job at the Newport Group this summer. He's making plans that include us."  
  
"But what if he believes his mother? What if he really does think that he's a project for us, that we're just trying to prove that we can improve his life? What if he really thinks we don't care if he's here or not, that we don't love him?"  
  
"Then we have to talk to him, Kirsten."  
  
"He's going to be so mad when he finds out Seth read his letter. And that you called Dr Kim."  
  
Sandy smiled. "Then I guess that leaves you to start the proceedings."  
  
Kirsten took a deep breath. "I was afraid of that."  
  
TBC 


	3. Part 3

Saturday morning found Seth out with Summer for the day and Sandy off surfing. Kirsten was in the kitchen putting away groceries when Ryan came in.  
  
"Oh, Ryan, good. Can you help me with the groceries?"  
  
"Sure, Kirsten. No problem." Ryan dug into the closest bag and started putting the food away.  
  
Kirsten stopped to watch him for a moment. He was always so eager to please, so willing to help. Getting Seth to help was like pulling teeth. Why hadn't she noticed this before? Why hadn't she noticed that he still acted like a guest most of the time? She knew she had to start talking to him now, but she was worried where the conversation was going to end up.  
  
"So Ryan, Sandy talked to Dr Kim yesterday."  
  
Ryan froze where he was, with his back to Kirsten. She couldn't see his face and he didn't say anything.  
  
"Why didn't you tell us?" Kirsten asked gently.  
  
Ryan didn't turn around and his voice was barely above a whisper. "Because I didn't want to disappoint you."  
  
Kirsten walked over to stand beside Ryan. "Disappoint us? We're proud of you. We're proud that you've done so well at Harbor, that your teachers think so highly of you. Why would we be disappointed?"  
  
Ryan glanced at her sideways but then looked away again. "You're disappointed that I said no."  
  
"No, Ryan. I'm not disappointed that you said no. But I don't understand why you said no. Can you explain it to me?"  
  
Ryan sighed. "Not really."  
  
Kirsten sighed too. "Ryan, you're an intelligent young man. I know you can form thoughts and articulate them. There must be a reason."  
  
"I just...I..." Ryan sat on the stool and put his head in his hands. "I just don't fit in here." He looked back up at Kirsten. "No matter what I do, it's just not enough."  
  
Kirsten leaned in close to Ryan, looking him in the eye. "Oh, sweetie, of course it's enough. We just want you to be happy. That's all we've ever wanted for you."  
  
"I know that, but..."  
  
"Ryan, you can't believe what your mother says."  
  
Ryan pulled back from Kirsten and his face hardened. "What's that supposed to mean?"  
  
Kirsten straightened up, closing her eyes to brace herself from the anger that was about to come. "Seth saw the letter from your mother when he was in your room the other day. He told me what it said..."  
  
"Seth doesn't know what he's talking about. And he had no right to go through my stuff!"  
  
"You're right; he shouldn't have read your letter and he's been properly chastened for it. But, it was an accident, and he told me because he's worried about what he read."  
  
Ryan wandered over to the den. He had his back to Kirsten again, but she took it as a good sign that he didn't storm out of the house and hide out in the pool house.  
  
Kirsten spoke softly to Ryan, "Has she been writing you letters like this for the past two years?"  
  
"No," Ryan replied without turning around. "They weren't all like that one."  
  
"But this wasn't the first..."  
  
"No."  
  
"Ryan, why didn't you tell us about these letters?"  
  
Ryan turned around. "Why would I? What difference would it make?"  
  
"Because no one should talk to you that way."  
  
"You don't understand about my mother..."  
  
"What's there to understand? She says vile, hateful things to you, and that's just not right."  
  
"She's my mother, Kirsten."  
  
"She's not acting like one! What kind of mother would say such hurtful things?"  
  
"Mine." Ryan started to walk towards the door.  
  
Kirsten tried to calm herself down. "Ryan, would you just listen to me..."  
  
Ryan cut her off. "Why, Kirsten? You're not listening to me." Then he left the kitchen and headed for the pool house.  
  
Damn, Kirsten thought, I don't think that went well at all.

* * *

Ryan was in the pool house, but didn't know what to do with himself. He'd never fought with Kirsten before. He'd never been mad at all the Cohens at the same time before either. He should have known Sandy would call Dr Kim. It was stupid of him to lie about it, but it wasn't Sandy's business.  
  
And Seth. God, why didn't Seth come to him about the letter? Why did he have to run to his mom? It wasn't that big of a deal – it was just Dawn. That's just who she was. And she wasn't always like that. It was stupid of him to leave the letter lying around where Seth could find it. Of course Seth would read it.  
  
And why was he mad at Kirsten? He wasn't sure, but he was. She thinks she wants to know what was in Dawn's letters? Fine.  
  
Suddenly, the pool house was just too confining. He needed to get out for a while.

* * *

Kirsten was sitting in the den when Ryan came back in. She felt a bit shell-shocked after their argument. She was about to say something to him when he threw a packet of envelopes onto the coffee table in front of her.  
  
"What are these?"  
  
"Dawn's letters. You said you wanted to know what she said. Enjoy." Ryan started to head towards the front door.  
  
"Where are you going?"  
  
"Out." Ryan looked at her defiantly, as if he wanted her to say no just so he could go anyway. When Kirsten just leaned back in the couch and sighed, Ryan's anger started to diminish. "I just need some space, to clear my head. I'll be back in a couple of hours."  
  
Kirsten nodded at him. "Do you want the keys?"  
  
"No, that's OK. I'll take my bike. I'm really not planning on going far."  
  
Kirsten watched Ryan go and then looked at the stack of envelopes that Ryan had left. Did she really want to know what Dawn wrote? She picked up the first one and opened it up. Yeah, she really did.  
  
TBC 


	4. Part 4

When Sandy came home, he found Kirsten on the couch, visibly upset.  
  
"Aw, honey, what's wrong? What are you reading?"  
  
Kirsten held up a piece of paper. "Dawn's letters."  
  
Sandy was surprised. "He gave them to you?" He sat next to Kirsten on the couch and picked up a letter himself. "Things went well between you two then?"  
  
Kirsten laid her head on Sandy's shoulder as he put his arm around her. "Oh Sandy, it was awful. There was lots of yelling, anger; nothing was resolved. And these letters..."  
  
"How bad are they?"  
  
"Listen to this: _I miss you so much, Ryan. They can never love you like I do. They don't know you like I do. Come back and things will be better. Things will change. They won't even notice you've left – not like I do. You're all I have left_."  
  
"She really does a number on him, doesn't she? But that doesn't sound like what Seth said he saw. I thought he said she was mean."  
  
"Oh, there are those ones too." Kirsten shuffled through the letters on the table until she found the letter she was looking for, then leaned back into Sandy. "She'll beg him to come back for a few letters and then they'll turn nasty. Here's one." Kirsten started reading from the next letter: _You ungrateful little..._" Kirsten couldn't bring herself to say the word out loud. "_You think those rich...care for you? They're just using you to make themselves feel better. Who could love a ... screw-up like you? You think money can make things better? You'll always be a low-life Atwood – scum, trash. You'll end up rotting in a cell like your father and your brother, and no one will care. Not even me. So when your do-gooder family has had enough of you, don't come crawling back to me._"  
  
Sandy squeezed Kirsten closer. "Wow."  
  
"This is what he grew up with. If she can say these things to him in a letter, what did she say to him growing up? What were we thinking, Sandy? Can we really undo 16 years of..." Kirsten motioned towards the letters, "of this?"  
  
"We're trying, Kirsten. Do you want me to go talk to him?"  
  
"No, I think I'd better finish what I started. I'll talk to him when he gets back."  
  
Sandy looked alarmed at this.  
  
"He left after he gave me the letters."  
  
"He left? Is he coming back?"  
  
"Why wouldn't I come back?" Sandy and Kirsten looked up to see Ryan standing at the doorway. Ryan just shook his head and went to the pool house.

* * *

Kirsten gathered up the letters and followed Ryan out to the pool house. She knocked on the door and then poked her head in. "Can we talk?"  
  
Ryan shrugged. "Will you listen? Why would you think I wouldn't come back?"  
  
"We just read these letters." Kirsten set them down on Ryan's desk. "If you believed what your mother was saying, about you, about us..."  
  
"Those letters..." Ryan ran his hand through his hair. "They're just...they're just Dawn. They don't mean anything. At least, not what you think."  
  
"How can you say that, Ryan? Those letters are awful. They're..."  
  
"Kirsten! Will you just listen?" Ryan was getting frustrated again. He took a deep breath and sat down on the bed. "What's in the letters isn't important to me."  
  
"What do you mean?" Kirsten leaned back against the desk.  
  
"The letters let me know how Dawn's doing...what Dawn's doing."  
  
"I don't understand."  
  
"I know. I was wrong to give them to you, without explaining them. But I was pissed off – you weren't listening to me and jumping to conclusions...if you wanted to think the worst, I was going to let you."  
  
"I'm listening now, Ryan. What explanation can make those letters better?"  
  
"My mom can actually be nice when she's sober." Ryan smiled wryly, "It doesn't usually last long, though." His face dropped again. "When she drinks, she gets all weepy and sentimental, regretting all the bad stuff that's happened, swearing it'll get better. It never does. It gets worse first. She moves on to coke, and turns mean." Ryan came out of his thoughts and looked at Kirsten. "Then she'll clean herself up for a while and the cycle starts again."  
  
"So you use the tone of the letters to know how she's doing."  
  
"Pretty much."  
  
"And what she says doesn't get to you?"  
  
"Sometimes," Ryan admitted. "But you and Sandy and Seth have done more for me in the past two years than anyone has done for me my entire life, including my mom. You've given me the chance to prove what I can do. If someone told me two years ago that I'd be attending USC on a scholarship, I'd have laughed in their face."  
  
Kirsten smiled at Ryan. She realized he wasn't mad anymore; at least, not at her. And she hadn't been listening to what he was trying to say. She still wanted to ask him about the graduation speech but she didn't want to ruin the truce they seemed to have. She sat beside him on the bed and put her arm around his shoulders. "I'm sorry about your mom."  
  
Ryan looked over at her. Was she sorry that his mom abandoned him? Sorry that she didn't write nice letters? Sorry that she was strung out on drugs and that Ryan was worried about her? Or just sorry that she wasn't the type of mom that Kirsten was? He gave her his half-smile. "Me too."  
  
Kirsten squeezed Ryan's shoulders. Then she got up and started to leave the pool house. She turned back to him and said, "You know, Sandy's still going to want to talk to you about..."  
  
Ryan cut her off. "Yeah, I know. Just...later? I think I'm going to do some homework now."  
  
"OK."

* * *

Kirsten was gardening out front when Seth came home.  
  
"Hey, Mom. How are things?"  
  
Kirsten sat back on her heels and smiled. "Pretty good, Seth. Did you have fun with Summer at the mall?"  
  
"Sure, if you call trailing behind Summer, carrying her bags, and spending half an hour trying to decide between the mauve or lilac lipstick fun, then yes, we had fun. I mean, they're both purple – what difference does it make?" Seth glanced toward the house. "Hey, did you talk to Ryan yet about the letter?"  
  
"Yes, I did. And it's nothing to worry about."  
  
"Really? Are you sure he wasn't just saying that? Did you actually see the letter?" Seth couldn't believe his mother could blow it off so easily.  
  
"Seth, he explained it to me and I believe everything's fine. If he wants to explain it you, that's up to him. But it really doesn't seem like anything to worry about."  
  
Seth had to trust his mother's instincts. "OK. So he's not mad I read his letter?"  
  
Kirsten laughed. "I wouldn't go that far. You may have to explain that to him."  
  
Seth went into the house and found Ryan watching TV. "Hey, man."  
  
Ryan kept flicking the channels and wouldn't look at him. "Hey."  
  
"Sooo...you mad at me?"  
  
"Let's just say you're lucky you weren't here earlier when I was looking for something to punch."  
  
Seth was overwhelmed by Ryan's words, until he noticed a smile starting to play at the corners of Ryan's mouth. "Dude, that is so not funny. And besides, you're the lucky one - I could totally take you."  
  
"Sure you could, Seth." Ryan finally looked at Seth. "But seriously, why didn't you just ask me about it?"  
  
Seth sat down beside Ryan. "Well, I read a letter that I wasn't supposed to read, about things that you don't like to talk about. Dude, I didn't want to get punched!"  
  
Ryan nodded. "Fair enough."  
  
"So you're not mad anymore?"  
  
"No. You were just looking out for me. I'm still not used to it, but I'm OK with it."  
  
"Are you going to tell me what that letter was about?"  
  
"Maybe some other time. I've done a lot of explaining today, and I'll have more to do when I see your dad."  
  
"What's that about?"  
  
"Dr Kim."  
  
"Ha! I knew you were lying."  
  
"Apparently, so did your dad. He called Dr Kim."  
  
Seth was dying to know what was going on, but he could tell Ryan wasn't going to tell him anything right now. He picked up a game controller. "Wanna play?" 

TBC


	5. Part 5

A/N First, thank you for all the wonderful reviews. To address Ali's nitpick: At my high school (and I double checked with my sister who still teaches there), the valedictorian was/is chosen by the students. Graduation occurs so close after exams that there is no time for the teachers to correct exams, get the marks in, and then inform the top student in enough time to prepare a speech. We didn't have a salutatorian, so I figured I could do with that what I wished.

And I still own not one piece of The OC.

* * *

Supper that night was uncomfortable all around. Once Sandy had talked to Kirsten and they had determined that the letter situation was under control, he could go back to being upset with Ryan for lying to them. Especially over something so small and yet important at the same time.  
  
Kirsten was unsure of where she stood with Ryan now. She and Ryan had never talked that much about his past before. She felt like they should be closer now, but it seemed best to keep her distance.  
  
Seth was trying to figure out everything that was going on. He knew his mom and Ryan had talked about the letter, but neither one of them had explained it to him. His dad seemed mad at Ryan, apparently about whatever it was that Dr Kim had said, but again, no one felt the need to let him know about it. Life was easier as an only child – then he knew all the secrets.  
  
Ryan pushed his food around for most of the meal. When everyone was finished, he got up and said, "I'm going out tonight. I'll see you guys later."  
  
"Where are you going?" Kirsten asked.  
  
"Uh, some of the guys from the soccer team are going to the movies. I thought I'd go with them."  
  
"Can we talk before you go out, Ryan?" Sandy wanted to know. And it wasn't actually a question.  
  
Ryan really didn't want to have this conversation with Sandy. He knew Sandy was mad at him for lying, and he didn't want to find out what he thought about Ryan turning Dr Kim down. "Can we do it tomorrow? The guys are waiting."  
  
"I'd like to do it right now."  
  
"I wouldn't."  
  
"Ryan, you can't just avoid things that aren't easy."  
  
Seth saw the way his dad was matching Ryan glare for glare. He wondered if his dad was still talking about the conversation he wanted to have.  
  
"I just don't want to do it. I'm late."  
  
Sandy looked pointedly at Ryan. "You don't always get to decide based on what you want. Sometimes, you do things for other people, because they want you to."  
  
Yeah, Seth was pretty sure his dad wasn't talking about Ryan staying home. He wished he knew what was going on. He looked at Ryan to see if he figured out what Sandy was talking about.  
  
"I'm not doing this right now." Ryan turned to leave.  
  
"I didn't say you could go."  
  
Ryan stopped and turned slowly. "I'm grounded because of this? Nice."  
  
Sandy really hadn't planned on grounding Ryan, but things were escalating. "You lied to us!"  
  
Kirsten jumped in. "OK guys, to your corners." She looked at Ryan. "Ryan, you're not grounded, but know we're not happy about the lying." Then she looked at Sandy. "Sandy, there's no reason this conversation can't wait until tomorrow." She looked back at Ryan. "But it will happen tomorrow, before Monday. Understood?"  
  
Ryan nodded at Kirsten. "OK. And...sorry." He turned to Sandy. "So I can go now?"  
  
"Fine. But home by midnight. And you're not leaving the house tomorrow until we talk."

* * *

Sandy sat at the table in their room, looking across at the dark pool house. He glanced at his watch. 11:58. He turned to Kirsten, who was reading in bed. "He's got 2 minutes to get home."  
  
"Sandy, he's a good kid. He'll be home."  
  
"You don't think he'll stay out just to spite me?"  
  
Kirsten saw the lights come on in the pool house behind Sandy. She smiled. "No. But I think he'll stay out till the last minute to worry you."  
  
Sandy turned back toward the pool house to see the lights on. He sighed, then crawled into bed with Kirsten and put his arms around her. "This speech should be a good thing, a happy thing. Why are we fighting about it?"  
  
Kirsten smiled. "Because you're both hot-headed and think you know what's best. If it makes you feel any better, it took me two tries to have an actual discussion with him."  
  
Sandy kissed her hair. "OK. Tomorrow he'll tell me why he doesn't want to do it, I'll calmly explain why his reasons are wrong, and he'll agree to do it."  
  
"Or, you'll talk to him with an open mind, actually listen to why he doesn't want to do it, and accept it if his reasoning is sound."  
  
"Eh, your way might work too."

* * *

When Ryan didn't come in for breakfast the next morning, Sandy realized he had to go out to him. He brought a cup of coffee with him as a peace offering. Ryan was on his bed with his books open.  
  
"You didn't come in for breakfast this morning."  
  
"Rosa keeps the mini-fridge stocked." Ryan gestured to his books. "Finals are next week and I've got a lot of work."  
  
Sandy handed him the coffee and then sat in the desk chair. "So, why'd you lie to us?"  
  
Ryan sighed. "Because I didn't want to have this conversation. Isn't it enough that I don't want to?"  
  
"No, it's not. There's got to be a reason. Your teachers and Dr Kim have given you this opportunity..."  
  
"They haven't given me anything! Dr Kim doesn't even like me. I'm just a 'success story' to her. If I do this, then Dr Kim can use it to prove how good the school is. 'We had a student who came to us with nothing but potential – poor grades, truancy, legal troubles – and after two years at Harbor he was a top student. He even gave the salutatory speech.' I don't want to give that to her."  
  
"Ryan, people see you as more than just a success story. More than just..." Sandy struggled with the words.  
  
"'That boy from Chino'? Because even after two years in Newport, I'm still 'that boy from Chino' to a lot of people."  
  
"Not to us."  
  
"I know that. But why would I want to get up and talk in front a bunch of people who think I should be parking their cars?"  
  
"Because we know you belong on that stage and we're proud of you."  
  
"But what does me giving the speech prove? Me giving the speech won't change anyone's opinion of me – yours or theirs. You're proud of me even if I don't give the speech, aren't you?"  
  
"Of course, we are."  
  
"Then I just don't see the point."  
  
"No, I guess you don't." Sandy didn't know what else he could say to convince him. "But will you promise me you'll consider it anyway?"  
  
Ryan didn't answer him. "I need to study."  
  
Sandy stood up. "OK. But come in for lunch. You can't stay out here studying all day."  
  
After Sandy left, Ryan did think about it. No matter how he looked at it, it made no sense for him to give the speech. He didn't care about giving the speech. Sandy said they were proud of how well he did even if he didn't give the speech. There were still people in Newport who felt he didn't belong at the Harbor School, or in Newport itself for that matter, and giving the speech wouldn't change their minds. He laughed to himself. It would piss them off if he gave the speech. But no, he wasn't going to do it out of spite. Sandy seemed to think he was missing something, but he just couldn't see the up side of giving the speech.

* * *

The next morning at school, Ryan and Seth were walking down the hallway to class. Seth turned to go up the stairs, but Ryan didn't go with him. "Hey man, aren't you coming to Economics?"  
  
Ryan looked uncomfortable. "No. I gotta go..." He pointed in the general direction he was headed, "...talk to Dr Kim."  
  
"Are you ever going to tell me what's going on?"  
  
"No. Because once I talk to Dr Kim, the whole thing is irrelevant." Seth looked hurt by this. "Look, it's just not important, Seth."  
  
"It was important enough for you and my dad to argue about."  
  
"No, it was important to him. Not to me."  
  
"Would I think it was important?"  
  
This question threw Ryan. He figured Seth _would_ think it was important. But if he said yes, Seth would be even more hurt that Ryan hadn't told him. And he wasn't going to argue with another Cohen about this. "No, Seth, you wouldn't think it was important. Now go to class. I'll be there soon."  
  
Ryan watched Seth take the stairs two at a time and then turned towards Dr Kim's office. Well, he thought to himself, I'd better get this over with.  
  
TBC 


	6. Part 6

Ryan walked into Dr Kim's outer office, just wanting to tell her no and have this matter settled. He went up to the secretary and asked to see Dr Kim.  
  
"She's with someone right now, but it shouldn't be long. Why don't you have a seat?"  
  
Ryan sat down, silently cursing that he had to wait. He pictured Seth's face when he asked what was going on. _Would I think it was important?_ Yeah, he would, but it's just a speech. The Cohens placed importance on the weirdest things. Why? Why was Sandy so insistent that he do this? _Because we know you belong on that stage and we're proud of you._ Proud of what? Proud that the teachers pulled his name out of a hat? _We're proud that you've done so well at Harbor, that your teachers think so highly of you,_ Kirsten had said. Well, it's easy to do well when you're not worrying if there's going to be food to eat or if the rent was going to be paid.  
  
Why was he even thinking about this? He didn't want to do it. _Sometimes, you do things for other people, because they want you to._ The Cohens certainly seemed to want him to do this. Life was so much easier when no one noticed what he did and didn't do.  
  
The secretary broke into his thoughts. "Dr Kim can see you now."  
  
Ryan walked in to Dr Kim's office. He'd planned what he was going to say all weekend. So when he quietly said, "I'll do it", he was just as surprised as she was.  
  
"I got the impression from Mr. Cohen that you were going to say no," Dr Kim beamed at him.  
  
"I thought I was, too," Ryan replied soberly.  
  
"I'm glad you changed your mind. Now, we like to keep our choice a secret until the ceremony. Can you not tell your fellow students so it'll be a surprise?"  
  
"As long as you promise not to tell the Cohens," Ryan countered.  
  
"Why wouldn't you want them to know?"  
  
Ryan was picturing Sandy offering him books on public speaking and Kirsten asking to hear the speech and Seth suggesting jokes, and they'd just all be smiling at him. "It's easier this way."

* * *

The next two weeks went by quickly. Ryan and Seth spent most of their time studying for their finals. Ryan tried to avoid Kirsten and Sandy as much as he could. He didn't like to see the disappointment in their eyes, but he didn't think he could handle their excitement if he told them he changed his mind, either.  
  
Economics was their last exam. After they finished, Ryan and Seth went to clean out their lockers. Seth had barely made a dint in his when Ryan appeared. "Are you done already?" Seth asked.  
  
"Yeah, Seth. I turned in my texts with each exam and my notes were all at home for studying. What do you have in there?"  
  
"I don't know. Just...stuff." Seth pulled one of Summer's bras out of his locker. He grinned.  
  
Ryan shook his head. "I don't even want to know how that ended up in your locker."  
  
Summer came down the hallway toward them. "Emily Johnson is on a witch hunt," she announced. "She's been campaigning for salutatorian since freshman year – sucking up to every teacher she could. She didn't get it and she can't find out who did. The faculty always hopes to keep it a secret before the ceremony, but they've never been able to before."  
  
Seth looked over at Ryan, who wouldn't look him in the eye. "I've got to return some books to the library," he said. "I'll meet you guys at the car." Ryan turned and walked away.  
  
"Who could keep something like this a secret?" Summer wondered.  
  
Seth watched Ryan go. "Someone who doesn't like to talk a lot."  
  
"Don't be stupid, Cohen. Why would someone who doesn't like to talk a lot want to give a speech?"

* * *

The day of graduation was beautiful. Caleb sat with Kirsten and Sandy. They all beamed with pride as they watched Ryan and Seth enter with the processional.  
  
On the stage, Dr Kim was speaking. "Every year, the faculty picks one of our top students to give the salutatorian address. We look for a student who not only excels in their studies, but who exemplifies the qualities we try to instill here at the Harbor School. Responsibility, resourcefulness, determination– qualities that will carry our students to success in their careers and in life. This year, our salutatorian is Ryan Atwood."  
  
Tears welled in Kirsten's eyes. She reached for Sandy's hand and when she looked at him, his eyes were glistening too. Caleb leaned over and said, "I thought you two said the boy wasn't going to give the speech."  
  
Sandy swallowed the lump in his throat. "He told us he wasn't going to."  
  
As Ryan made his way to the stage, Emily Johnson's voice carried above the clapping. "They picked that boy from Chino? That is so unfair!"  
  
Seth turned around to glare at Emily and he saw Summer lean forward to Emily. "You're such a bitch. Maybe that's why you didn't get picked."  
  
Ryan reached the podium. The clapping died down and he began his speech. "Dr Kim, members of the school board, honoured guests: I'd like to welcome everyone and thank you for coming to share in this day with us, the Class of 2005.  
  
"Dr Kim mentioned some of the qualities required to be successful. Responsibility, determination – important, yes, but alone will not lead to success. All the determination and resourcefulness will get you nowhere if you don't have hope that it's possible and support from people who love you.  
  
"We're all here today because of the support of our families. We did the hard work – studied for exams, wrote the papers, met the deadlines – but they gave us the encouragement we needed to achieve our successes.  
  
"Two years ago, I had no hope that I'd be where I am today. And I don't mean here in Newport at a fancy private school; I mean here, graduating high school and heading to university in the fall. I owe it all to the Cohens. Without Sandy Cohen, I'd probably be living on the streets; without Seth Cohen, I'd probably be in a group home; and without Kirsten Cohen, I'd most likely be in jail.  
  
"They've taught me what it means to have a family – to be a family. To laugh together in the good times, to cry together in the bad times. That no matter how bad things seem, if you have someone beside you, rooting for you, it's not so bad.  
  
"So I'd like to use this time to thank the Cohens for all they've done for me. They took a boy with no hope, no chance, no love, and gave him the world." Ryan scanned the crowd until he found Kirsten and Sandy. "Without you, I'd be nothing.  
  
"Thank you."  
  
Kirsten and Sandy were overwhelmed. Kirsten wanted to go find Ryan right away and let him know how much the speech meant to her. Caleb stopped her by telling her no teenage boy wants his mother making a scene in front of everyone. They contented themselves to watching the boys go across the stage to get their diplomas. They were further delighted when Ryan was called back up to receive the award for 5th highest aggregate and the top prize in Calculus, and they clapped as hard as they could when Seth won the top prize for Economics. After the recessional, they went looking for the boys.  
  
They found Ryan talking with Seth and Summer. Ryan was joking to Seth, "I think you owe me half of that prize money. I carried the book back and forth for you. If it wasn't for me, you'd never have gotten your homework done!"  
  
Kirsten walked right up to him and enveloped him in a hug. "That was beautiful," she whispered in his ear. "We are so very proud of you." Ryan hugged her back. It felt good to be wanted and loved, and he wanted to savour the moment.  
  
As Kirsten moved on to hug Seth, Sandy clapped him on the back. "Why didn't you tell us?" he asked Ryan.  
  
"Because I didn't want you to get all smug and self-righteous," Ryan teased him.  
  
"I'm always self-righteous," Sandy threw back.  
  
They were all laughing and joking when Seth noticed Ryan's face drop. He looked over his shoulder to see what Ryan was looking at. Oh God, Seth thought, what's Dawn doing here?  
  
TBC


	7. Part 7

Everyone turned to see Dawn. Ryan started to walk over to her but Sandy put his hand on Ryan's arm to stop him. "You don't have to do this today if you don't want to," Sandy told him. "I can ask her to leave and you can talk to her later."  
  
Ryan thought about this, but he couldn't just turn his mother away. "No, Sandy, it's OK. I'll talk to her."  
  
Sandy wished he could protect Ryan from any unpleasantness, especially on a day that was supposed to be happy. But he knew Ryan had to talk to his mother. "All right. But we'll be right here if you need us. OK?"  
  
Ryan nodded and headed toward Dawn before Dawn could approach their group. "Hey, Ma, what are you doing here?"  
  
"I wanted to see my baby graduate from the big fancy school. Can't a mother watch her youngest child get his diploma?"  
  
Ryan had planned on being polite to his mother. But one look in her eyes and he could tell she wasn't planning the same thing. "I don't know. You really didn't have much to do with it."  
  
"What? Because I didn't pay for your fancy tuition, I don't have any rights?" Dawn fumed.  
  
"No, Ma. Because you kicked me out two years ago and I haven't seen you since. Because the only letters you sent me were meant to mess with my head. Because you turned your back on me and left me with strangers."  
  
"Then why'd you tell me about the graduation in your letter? So I could hear you tell everyone what an awful mother I was and how much better your life is without me?"  
  
Ryan realized that's all she would have heard, that his speech was belittling her. She wouldn't have heard the positive things, the good things about his life. "That speech wasn't for you. I didn't even think you'd come. You never came to anything else I ever did, why would I expect you to show up today?"  
  
"What did I miss that you expected me to be at?"  
  
Ryan wondered if his mom was really that self-centered and clueless. "I don't know - soccer games, plays, parent/teacher nights. Anything to show you cared."  
  
"And you think those people care for you?"  
  
"I know they do, Ma. They knew when I had tests at school, projects due. They came to my soccer games, talked with my teachers. Apparently, that's normal stuff that parents do." Ryan could see his words hurt Dawn, but he couldn't help himself.  
  
"Did you mean everything that you said in that speech? That you'd be nothing without... them?" Ryan could hear the venom dripping in Dawn's voice when she mentioned the Cohens.  
  
"Why not? I heard it every day of my life, that I was worthless, that I wouldn't amount to anything, that I'd end up like Dad in prison."  
  
"You were a smart kid, Ryan. You knew I didn't mean it when I said those things. It was just the coke talking. I always apologized."  
  
"Yeah, well, that's just it. The Cohens don't say things that they need to apologize for."  
  
Dawn narrowed her eyes. "So you choose them over me?"  
  
"No, Ma, you chose first. You chose to leave me with them."  
  
Sandy kept an eye on Ryan and Dawn's conversation. He couldn't hear what they were saying, but it didn't look pleasant. He wanted this to be a happy day for Ryan, not another occasion ruined by his mother, though it was probably too late for that. Suddenly he heard Dawn's voice above the crowd.  
  
"You ungrateful little brat! After all I put up with over the years, this is what I get?"  
  
Sandy saw Ryan close his eyes, letting his mother scream at him. Sandy rushed over to break up the conversation. "OK, Dawn, that's enough. Today is an important day in Ryan's life and I won't stand aside and watch you berate him."  
  
"Sandy, it's OK," Ryan tried to say.  
  
"No, it's not, Ryan. Dawn, if you want to stay and talk to Ryan, then you have to be nice. This isn't a day to work through your issues."  
  
"I'm his mother and I have a right to be here. I'm not leaving unless Ryan tells me to."  
  
Ryan looked at his feet. "Ma, I think you should go."  
  
Dawn looked from Ryan to Sandy and back to Ryan. She couldn't believe what Ryan was saying. "You don't mean that, baby. Don't listen to him. He just doesn't want me around."  
  
Ryan looked at Sandy, who would do anything for him, and then at his mother, who never did anything for him. "No, Ma, he just wants what's best for me. And he's right. I love you, but I don't need you in my life. Leave, so I can enjoy this day with my family."  
  
Dawn couldn't believe that Ryan was telling her to leave, that he was calling them his family. He was supposed to always be there for her, when she needed him. "Ryan, I didn't mean for it to be like this."  
  
"I know you didn't, but it always is. And I'm not doing it anymore. I don't want to hear from you. If you send me letters, I won't open them. I'm done." Ryan turned and walked toward Kirsten, Seth, and Caleb, leaving Sandy and Dawn behind.  
  
"You turned him against me," Dawn accused.  
  
"Dawn, we did nothing but love him and treat him well. This was his decision. But I'll give you this. You can keep in contact with me. I won't tell you how he's doing, but I'll know where you are, in case he changes his mind."  
  
"Don't do me any favours," Dawn hissed at him and walked away.

* * *

Kirsten watched Ryan walk toward them, away from Dawn. When he got close, she asked him, "Are you OK, sweetie?"  
  
Ryan looked at Kirsten, at the concern on her face and compared it to the selfishness he just encountered with Dawn. "You know what? I really am," he told her, breaking into a natural smile.  
  
Sandy returned as well. Kirsten was relieved that Dawn was nowhere in sight. She looked at Sandy questioningly, but he just shook his head imperceptibly, and said, "Let's go eat. Our reservations await us!"

* * *

It wasn't until they were seated at the restaurant and ordered their food that Sandy asked the question that Ryan had been waiting for. "So, what made you change your mind?"  
  
"I don't know," Ryan answered truthfully. "I walked into Dr Kim's office fully planning on telling her no. I guess...I guess I did it for you. You both seemed to think it was something I should do, and...I trusted you." Ryan ducked his head and had a hard time looking at the Cohens. He wondered why it had been easier to tell them how he felt in front of all of Newport than it was to tell them directly.  
  
"What I want to know," Seth interrupted, breaking the tension, "is how come you didn't tell me. Your best friend. Your brother, even."  
  
Ryan laughed. "Well, Seth, Dr Kim asked me 'not to tell my fellow students'. And I figured if I told you, you'd tell Summer, and then the whole school would know. Plus," Ryan teased, "I didn't want your input for what I should say."  
  
"I did notice your speech lacked a little something. It might have been better if you had had a Batman reference. Or maybe Kavalier and Clay."  
  
Ryan rolled his eyes and looked at Kirsten & Sandy. "And he wonders why I didn't tell him."

* * *

As they were leaving the restaurant, Caleb stopped Ryan to talk to him. Ryan wasn't sure what to think. Caleb had hardly spoken to him since the graduation ceremonies. For that matter, Caleb had hardly spoken to him since he moved in with the Cohens. He had offered Ryan a job with the Newport Group for the summer, but Ryan figured that was more Kirsten than Caleb.  
  
"I just wanted to say that you were wrong in your speech," Caleb started.  
  
Ryan looked at him quizzically.  
  
"When you said that you can't be successful without the support of your family. That's wrong. You can be successful without the support of your family."  
  
Ryan nodded at him, not sure where this conversation was going.  
  
Caleb leaned closer and smiled at Ryan. "It just doesn't mean as much."

* * *

Sandy and Kirsten were curled up together on the couch. The boys had gone to a bonfire party on the beach and weren't expected home anytime soon. Seth had wheedled and cajoled his parents to drop their curfew for the night. Finally Ryan simply said "It's graduation" and they relented.  
  
"Well, that was quite a day, wasn't it?" Kirsten said.  
  
"Mm hmm," Sandy murmured back.  
  
"Did Ryan really tell his mother he didn't want to hear from her anymore?" Kirsten still couldn't believe that this is what transpired between Ryan and his mother. "He seemed so...happy today."  
  
Sandy rubbed her arm. "He did seem comfortable with his decision. I think he meant it, but I worry it's going to hit him later what he really did. There was a bit of euphoria about today, wasn't there?"  
  
"That speech!" Kirsten sat up and looked at Sandy. "I don't think I've ever heard him say that much at once!" She snuggled back down. "It was nice to hear, wasn't it?"  
  
Sandy looked around the empty house. "This is what it'll be like in the fall when the boys go to college. It will be awfully quiet."  
  
"Yeah," Kirsten agreed sleepily.  
  
"We'll miss them," Sandy said.  
  
"Yeah. But they'll come back," she murmured. "They'll both come back. Even Ryan. This is his home."  
  
THE END

* * *

A/N: Thank you, everyone, for reading this and giving me such wonderful reviews. I've never written anything before, and I'm overwhelmed at the comments I received.

I realize Summer kind of disappeared in this chapter, but I think she left with her dad while Ryan was talking to his mother. Someone asked me where Marissa was - she just doesn't seem to exist in my head and I couldn't write a word about her. Damn Josh Schwartz for getting rid of both Luke and Anna, because while writing this I realized Ryan has no friends other than Seth, and when he's with Summer, Ryan has no one hang out with.

Again, thank you, and I hope you enjoyed it.


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